It has been a rough few months. I really miss my cat. I’m still in the abyss of despair about it. I just can’t seem to move on and when I think about moving on I feel badly … like I’m trying to forget him. I don’t like to talk about it because people look at me weird. The only person who gets it is Adrian but I’m tired of him seeing me cry so much.
He came home in August from the deployment and our cat died a month later in our arms. It was difficult for him especially because he had much less time to spend with him before the time came. What is also difficult for him is seeing how much I hurt. When I hurt, he hurts. He knows I actively try to hide it. It is not until he tells me to “let it out” that I actually do.
New Year’s Eve was most difficult for me. Starting the new year without Ashes was heartbreaking. We went home, lied down to go to sleep, and I wept. I wept just as bad as if he had again died in my arms.
Not only has Adrian had to deal with all this since his return but also his cousin and the drama with his family. It’s a long story but we fought to be foster parents and we were just utterly shut down by the system. Ana is 16 with a 1 year old child. She is already headed down a bad road and the baby is 1 step away from being taken away. Since we had no chance being her foster parents then we started to fight for her son. We said we would be temporary guardians until she got her life together and graduated. She doesn’t want the chance though, and I’m tired of endlessly fighting for her when she wont fight for herself or her kid. God forgive me but I’m over it … and it’s not fair to my husband and I that she keeps going back and forth. She had her chance, and now we are moving on.
Adrian’s been having a difficult time with his unit. He and some of his close friends told me about all the shit they went through over there. Surprisingly enough they were treated horribly by people in the unit. Adrian gets picked on the most because he does not and will NEVER kiss ass. Apparently that’s all the people in his unit do. And the ones that do it the most get the higher ranks. People give him a hard time because he’s not afraid to tell them that they are hypocrites. How he was treated there has affected him greatly. He has anger, and when it comes time to go work for them he shuts down completely. There’s not much I can do but just listen. It’s difficult because it’s not like any other job where he can just tell everyone off and quit. I worry all the time when he goes to work because I’m afraid he’s really going to punch someone out. It’s hard. So much worrying even now with him home. He’s going to start treatment for PTSD soon which will help.
We still do have amazing sex though. So that’s a plus. And yes I said it. We went without it for so long I will never take it for granted again!